When I'm on a golf course and it starts to rain and lightning, I hold up my one iron, 'cause I know even God can't hit a one iron.
I'm going to win so much money this year, my caddie will make the top twenty money-winners list.
Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money.
No one who ever had lessons would have a swing like mine.
|A fly landed on my ball right when I hit.|
|A squirrel picked up my ball and put it in the bunker.|
|A squirrel pushed my ball into the trap, the good-for-nothing wannabe rats.|
|After that last shot, I'm just too embarrassed to try and hit the ball.|
|All the golf schools I liked were too expensive - so I self-taught.|
|Before the sex change, I was allowed to hit from the red tee. Its just too difficult to score now.|
|Bermuda grass sucks. My club keeps getting stuck.|
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.